The Bitter Sweet Humility of It

Three days ago our whole house got hit by a quick virus. It started with my little one Zaina, then her 10yo sister Taiba, then my wife, then me, my son Abood, the maid, you name it. In the period of 24 hours the household turned into a sort of refugee camp.

It took me personally completely by surprise, as I'm rarely sick, I stay in the company of sick people with an almost smug expression like I have some sort of silly immunity or something. Astaahil.

Wed. afternoon I was fine and teasing my grumpy sick Zaina, and by the same evening I was in Zaina's bed clutching my stomach while she was infront of me singing and waving her hands as if conducting the opera playing in her head. Ahh the irony eh? thankfully it was lost on little Zaina or I wouldn't hear the end of it.

But here's what made me make this post..

At one point in that evening as I started getting stronger and stronger gagging urges, I went to the bathroom sink, waiting and anticipating each heaving sensation.. then my stomach got squeezed so painfully and in a sustained upward surge of agony, it felt like a large hand has gotten a firm hold on my intestines and was trying to wrench them out of me. it wasn't like the usual stomach aches you get, it was much more severe and different, on a scale I couldn't have imagined only seconds before. My knees buckled and I had to suddenly rely on my hands on the sink to keep from falling to the floor. That near fall was another nastily sobering surprise, after you have taken standing tall for granted your whole life.

During those 10-15 seconds of being barely in control of my own body and mind, I felt one singular thought crystalize shining and clear in my head. I felt like those people in the Aya

حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا جَآءَ أَحَدَهُمُ ٱلۡمَوۡتُ قَالَ رَبِّ ٱرۡجِعُونِ ( المؤمنون٩٩)

and

{ولو ترى إذ المجرمون ناكسوا رؤوسهم عند ربهم ربنا أبصرنا وسمعنا فارجعنا نعمل صالحا إنا موقنون}السجدة 12

I felt suddenly very sorry and repentant for every and any bad thing I did in my life, whatever it was, remembered or not. I felt utterly weak and powerless over anything. not even the train of thought in my own head. And when you lose the illusion of the power you think you have, you quickly know who to turn to, the One WITH all the power. The decision and choice becomes utterly simple, as if it was even ridiculous to even call it a choice. There is really no choice, there's just Him sib7anah.

I spent the night in fever and weak sweating but it was so blissful and much better situation than the pain I was in earlier, and I felt immense gratitude for this respite. Sej sej we take soooo many blessings we have for granted, unthanked.

And now only 2 days after I am much better and walking around confidently, eating whatever I like (no more mash5ool o low-fat robah)..... and that feeling of humility starting to slip away again. as if nothing bad has ever happened. How quickly we forget.